


Act Normal

by kelsalynne



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bellarke, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 22:59:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18433877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelsalynne/pseuds/kelsalynne
Summary: I wondered, when your relationship with someone is like breathing, how long can you survive holding your breath? I decided to inhale again





	Act Normal

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by that becho cuddling by the fire bts photo that sent me spiraling. I've had this Bellarke fic stored in my notes for a WHILE now and have finally plucked up the nerve to post it. Set on the new planet, but let's just pretend like the fighting is over and our faves are living in peace. Written before the s6 leaks so no spoilers I promise.

Guilt. I hadn't been able to decipher the familiar feeling as it ate away at me while Echo and I were apart. I thought I was just nervous, scared of losing her, upset that I couldn't be there to help her. But I knew now how untrue that was. In hindsight, I was glad I stayed behind. And that made me feel guilty, because I knew there was only one reason I hadn't fought harder to leave with Echo. I tried not to think about it.

That feeling was only amplified now, sitting with Echo at the fire, trying my hardest to avoid glancing to my left. It was nearly impossible to act normal now that I knew about the radio calls.

Act normal. That's what I told myself on the Ring. Just keep acting normal and eventually you'll _f_ _eel_ normal. Right? So that's what I was trying to do here. But nothing felt normal about this. My hip was going numb from being pressed into the ground under Echo's leg, and my neck was getting sore from the awkward angle I was leaning at to rest my head on her shoulder. I didn't dare move, though, knowing that I shouldn't feel this uncomfortable with her. It wouldn't be normal to move away. She seemed more relaxed than I was as she ran her fingers through my hair. It almost felt nice.

Still, I felt the tension in the air. It would be weird to look at Clarke, but it felt even weirder not to. I wondered, when your relationship with someone is like breathing, how long can you survive holding your breath? I decided to inhale again. I glanced up in time to see Clarke beginning to stand. She muttered something about being tired before shuffling back to her tent. Shaw was soon to follow, leaving me and Echo huddled together with only the company of Murphy and Emori, who were so wrapped up in their own blissful world it was nearly the same as being alone.

"Maybe we should get some sleep too?" She ran her fingers through my hair again, and this time she left them dancing along the back of my neck with a lingering touch. It had been 125 years and a few days, give or take, since we had been together in that way. I _should_ have been excited. But just like every other time she had tried since I found out about Clarke's radio calls, I couldn't force myself to be on the same page. I just felt tired. And guilty. Not normal.

"You go ahead," I said after a moment of silence. I still couldn't tear my eyes away from the fire, even now that I felt three sets of eyes on me instead of one. "I'll be there in a minute."

Echo untangled her legs from mine and bent over in front of me to meet my eyes. "Don't take too long," she whispered before kissing me more passionately than I had expected, given our company. She pulled away after her enthusiasm went unanswered and walked off toward our tent. I glanced to where Clarke had been sitting.

"Bellamy," Emori said, shifting from Murphy's arms to lean closer to me. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Of course." Too quick. Calm down. Act normal. "Why wouldn't I be?" Yeah, because that's not suspicious. I turned my attention back to the fire. Act normal.

"You know," Murphy said to Emori, loud enough for me to hear. "I think we may need Raven to clear the ship for long-term travel, considering Bellamy is lost in space." I looked up in time to see Emori roll her eyes and smack Murphy lightly on the chest. He returned the favor by pecking her cheek and pulling her closer again. They seemed normal. I could do that, too. Right?

"That was a long walk for such a small sip of water, Murphy." Too defensive. Dial it back. Act normal. "I'm just exhausted. You know, new planet, new atmosphere, Monty and Harper..." I trailed off.

He took a moment to consider my words. A very short moment. "Yeah, exhausted. So tell me." Murphy leaned forward and tossed a rock in the fire. "If you're so _exhausted_ then why didn't you go to bed. Just now. With your girlfriend. Who left to go to bed." It wasn't a question. After the silence stretched on too long, he spoke to Emori. "Why don't you go to the tent, and I'll be there in a bit?"

"Yeah, right. You go, I'll stay." Emori stood and dragged Murphy with her. After a whispered argument, Murphy left, and Emori took her place on the log behind me.

"What's all this about, Bellamy?"

This is easy. There's nothing bothering me. I'm not acting weird.

"No bullshit, either. I want the truth, and you know I can tell when you're lying."

Shit.

"I'm not sure I can talk about it." There. That's close enough to the truth. It sounded like I meant it.

Emori considered for a moment before continuing. "I haven't seen you this fidgety since our first year on the Ring."

"That's a violation," I answered automatically. It was a rule on the Ring to not mention how long we had been in space. It was also a rule--unspoken, to me--to not mention how bad _I_ was during that first year. Space was an adjustment, losing Clarke was an adjustment. Leading without her had seemed impossible. Acting normal didn't work for me then, either.

"Maybe we should make biting your cheek a violation, too?" I immediately released the tension in my jaw and ran my tongue over the rough patch my teeth had left behind. "Bellamy, I can tell when you're lying to me just as easily as I can tell when you're thinking about Clarke."

I whipped my head back to meet her stare. If I looked closely enough, I could almost see my own wide eyes reflected in hers. Talking about my feelings for Clarke was another unspoken violation. I learned about a lot of ways my family had protected me during my relationship Echo. The Clarke related stuff always left both of us uncomfortable, but she never kept it a secret from me. Keeping secrets about Clarke had always been  _my_ specialty. We acted normal until it felt okay, and eventually it did.

"I love Echo, she's a sister to me, but I love you too, Bellamy. You can talk to me about Clarke. What happened?"

It was unlike me to lie to my family. Three deep breaths. Tell the truth. Act normal. "I was talking to Madi. We were waiting for everyone to get to the ship, and she had me cornered. I didn't want to hear it," I admitted. "She told me that while we were on the Ring, Clarke radioed for us every day." Come on, Bellamy. Is the truth that hard? Spit it out already. "She radioed for _me_..." It came out hushed, but the shift in the air surrounding us told me Emori still heard.

She was silent for a moment, but she never released me from her gaze. " _Every day_?" Then, her eyes were as wide as mine had been. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. Suddenly, she was on her feet. "One minute!" she called back to me as she ran toward her tent. A few moments later, she emerged with a shirtless Murphy. He was messing with the zipper on his pants as they made their way back to the fire.

Emori returned to her spot. "This had better be good," Murphy called as he caught up, gesturing from Emori, to the tent, to his shirtlessness. Despite myself, I rolled my eyes.

"John, can you please think about something other than sex for a _minute?_ This is serious." He sat next to Emori and then they both turned their expectant eyes on me. I froze. "Go ahead, tell him."

"I-" Emori cut me off before I could start.

"Clarke radioed Bellamy every day while we were on the Ring. _Specifically_ Bellamy."

"I don't know if it was only me," I half lied. I wasn't certain, but Madi  _had_ seemed to make that specification.

Murphy looked from me to Emori, then to Clarkes tent, then back to me. "Shit. _Every day_?"

"Yes John, we've established that. Now tell him what we talked about." It was my turn to stare expectantly, although mine was more of a glare.

"I-" Emori cut him off before he could start.

"We want you to be happy," she began. "And we're not sure how well you and Echo can  _manage_ that on the ground."

"Emori and I fell apart in space," Murphy added. "This was something we could work out, because space was never our final frontier..." The hit of sarcasm was textbook Murphy. It made me feel normal, and a little mad.

"But we're not so sure about how these adjustments will play out for you and Echo." Emori finished.

Now I was definitely mad. Before I knew it, I was towering above the sitting couple. "That is  _none_ of your business."

Murphy stood too. "Maybe not," he qualified, "but neither of us wants to see you hurting and you know that. We care about you Bellamy. That's all we're trying to say." He shoved me slightly as he spoke. Another thing that felt normal. And infuriating.

"Yeah? Well don't." I stormed off, ignoring Emori's words as I made my way to my tent.

Echo jumped when I entered, then sat on the makeshift bed clutching her bare chest, her shirt still hanging around her neck. "You scared me."

I felt the fire drain from my body as a far more subtle heat stretched from my head to my toes. I crossed the small space between us and pulled Echo into my arms. I pressed my lips to hers as gently as I was capable, eager now to prove to myself that I could act normal with her too. Murphy and Emori didn't know what they were talking about. Echo and I were doing fine.

Not normal enough. Echo pulled away from me. "Bellamy, what's wrong?"

Dammit. Calm down. Act normal. "Why does everyone keep asking me that?" I responded, far too loud in the quiet of the night unfolding around us.

"Because you're acting _weird_ and we're  _worried_ about you," Echo stressed. She placed her hands on my face and stroked my cheeks, attempting to soothe me. "Please, Bellamy. What's going on with you?"

"Can we just get some sleep?" I turned from her and began undressing. I put on pajamas to replace my dirty clothes from the day and got into bed before looking at her again. I wished I had looked sooner.

She swiped the tear from her cheek before pulling her arms through her sleeves and crawling in to bed next to me. She faced away. But not seeing the tears didn't help either of us as her sobs gently shook the bed.

"Echo." I placed my hand on her shoulder and she turned to face me. Her beaten expression sent a spear through my chest.

"Tell me you don't love her," she said abruptly. I was tongue-tied. I couldn't breathe as I stared into her fierce eyes. "Tell me." Another long pause. " _Dammit_ , Bellamy."

"Echo, I-"

"Save it." She turned from me again and pulled the cover over her head. This was bad. I owed her more.

Act normal. But what was normal for me? It used to be roughhousing with Murphy, or joking with Raven. It used to be bringing water to Monty when I noticed he wasn't drinking enough, or training with Harper and Emori to build our strength--hand-to-hand, and physical conditioning every two days. It used to be late nights with Echo, sharing stories of our lives apart, our separate worlds.

But normal had been something else before the Ring. Normal used to be strategy sessions, and sleepless nights spent protecting my people, my sister. Normal used to be fighting for my life, even after I got so tired I hardly wanted to be alive anymore. Normal used to be  _fighting_ for normal. Normal with Clarke.

"I never wanted to hurt you." I wasn't sure if Echo had fallen asleep yet. I pretended she had, and that made it easier. "I loved Clarke through everything. I fought to survive for her when I couldn't want it for myself anymore, when I didn't think I deserved it. And believing I was the reason she  _died_ broke me. Leaving her behind felt like the worst thing I had ever done. I wasn't sure how to live with myself anymore. I just knew I had to, or she would have died in vain. I had to find a way to live with myself. To move on. I  _had_ to." I let the words linger in the air. "I didn't know she was still alive."

I was nearly sure Echo had fallen asleep, until she sighed heavily and turned to face me again. Her stare was icy and calculated. Mine, I'm sure, was pathetic. "So is that all this was? Just a way for you to pass the time? A way for you to feel better about yourself?" Her words betrayed her, revealing the pain she was trying to hide.

I pulled her into me, and she shifted slightly to maintain some space. "Of course not," I whispered while I stroked her hair. "Echo, I love you. I never wanted any of this. I never  _anticipated_ any of this," I amended. Implying I hadn't hoped for Clarke to have survived would be a lie. "I don't want to hurt you."

She pulled away from my arms that encircled her and stood from the bed. Her shoes were on quickly, her jacket was thrown over her shoulder, and she grabbed a previously discarded blanket from the corner of the tent. She stopped at the opening, still facing away. "I will  _not_ fight for your love. Follow me if you'd like, but if you don't, I'll understand what that means." She met my eyes then. "We will always be family, Bellamy." Then she was gone.

Guilt. There it was again. In the absence of prying eyes, the feeling overtook me. Sobs threatened to rip me apart and I bit down on the blanket to muffle the scream that was rising from my chest. I let myself fall apart for the first time since the unspoken year on the Ring. I felt myself wither away as the emotions I had tried to hard to ignore crashed through me. I couldn't breathe. I was drowning.

As soon as I could see reality again, I was out of bed. I wasn't sure if I was going to look for Echo, but I knew couldn't stay here. Maybe I would find her to tell her she could take the tent, and I would sleep in the woods. But I knew what finding her meant, and I wasn't sure if it's what I should do. I didn't want to hurt her even more, and I was bound to no matter what.

A silhouette sitting by the fire halted my thoughts as I emerged from the tent. I was frozen again, unsure of who was still awake. My eyes adjusted and I was able to pick out more details. My eyes traveled up and I met Clarke's equally frozen expression. I took another breath.

After a moment stuck in each other's stare, I raised my hand and waved. What? I didn't have to wave. I could just go  _say_ hello. Act normal.

I straightened my posture and walked determinedly to the fire. I sat next to Clarke, turned to her, and choked out a small, "Hello," before mentally kicking myself again. Act normal.

Clarke gave a halfhearted smile. "Hey."

Her voice sent warmth through my veins. I felt my rigid body begin to relax. "I thought you were going to bed, what are you doing up? We've got an early start tomorrow," I reminded her. Our small group had been assigned the task of hiking the land to find a place for our new settlement.

"Right, fifty miles. It should be a walk in the park. I hope Raven can sneak me some coffee before we leave, because I'm exhausted already," She yawned, but it didn't seem authentic. She looked wired, almost jittery.

"You didn't answer my question," I pressed, not wanting to call her out on her obvious lie. Did she really think she could fool me?

"Maybe we should both get some sleep," she responded. The look in her eyes said _Please, just drop it._

For once, I didn't listen. "What's going on, Clarke?"

"Why don't  _you_ tell _me_ what's going on, Bellamy?" she suddenly snapped. "You've hardly looked at me since we got here and now you want to know how I'm feeling?"

 

Her words tore through me and I answered with a mirrored rage. "You left me to _die_ , Clarke." She gasped and looked back to the fire.

I watched her take three deep breaths, clench and unclench her fists a few times, then she turned back to me. "I'll regret that for the rest of my life, Bellamy. Thinking you were _dead_ because of me? It's the worst thing I've ever done. I'm so sorry, Bellamy, you have no idea."

"I know the feeling," I said with a smile. Truthfully, it was hard for me to stay mad at Clarke. Especially when she looked at me like _that_. Her ocean eyes looked almost black, but I saw flashes of blue as the fire crackled in the reflection.

"Did I ever tell you how proud I was of you when you left me behind?"

"I'm sure you did, though I'm sorry I didn't hear it. The radiation in the atmosphere made our radio receiver an 'obsolete, useless waste of space' according to Raven." Being with Clarke was like breathing, I didn't have to think about it. But thinking would have been good. Thinking would have prevented my slip up. I hadn't meant to tell her I knew about the radio calls, and I didn't realize I even had until I met her expression again.

Her mouth had fallen open and her eyes were wide with terror. I reached for my gun, an automatic response to Clarke's distress, before the empty space in the holster reminded me we weren't in any danger. Not here.

"Oh, right. Uh, Madi told me you had radioed for us every day we were on the Ring," I added.

She shook the emotions from her face, returning to her careful gaze into the fire. "Yeah, I wanted to check in on all of you and you never know. I assumed Raven would be working on the issue."

"You were checking on all of us? Madi made it seem like the calls were more...specific." I pressed the topic forward. Act normal.

"What do you want me to say?" She asked in a whisper.

"I want you to say what you're thinking," I requested, shifting closer to her and guiding her face with my hand so she had to look at me. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"Right now I'm thinking Echo will probably be back at your tent any minute."

"Echo won't be back," I offered quickly, "Tell me what you're  _really_ thinking."

Her brows pulled together and her face scrunched in confusion. "Well now I'm wondering where Echo went."

" _Dammit_ Clarke," I snapped and she pulled away from me in response. Three deep breaths. "Please."

"I missed you so much," Clarke choked out, then her words came fast. "I know I said Madi was the reason I wasn't alone, and that's mostly true, but Bellamy I only survived those six years because I had  _you_ too. Every day. Sometimes in broken intervals, sometimes for hours on end. I told you everything, Bellamy. I had you. And every time I could see the Ring in the sky, I would look up and know that you were there, and it kept me sane. You kept me alive."

I watched the fire burn as her words sank in. She had never given up on me. I spent so much time mourning her death, and not once had she faltered to believe that against all odds, I was alive too. I felt guilty again, this time in a different way. "I had no idea if you were alive or dead. Of course I always hoped the nightblood had worked, but Clarke, I had _no idea_ , no way of knowing for sure, and I couldn't bear the uncertainty. The guilt of leaving you behind tortured me for years." I smiled a little and met her eyes then. "I was looking down on Earth, at you, too."

She reached forward and wrapped my hand in both of hers. "I knew you would be." Something about her smile, her unwavering faith in me, wrapped my broken pieces up in a blanket and held them close. I wanted to close the space between us. Act normal.

"The head and the heart," I said with a short laugh. "I didn't realize how different everything would be."

"Right," Clarke responded, recalling our past conversation, "Like now I'm the heart, and you're the head."

"Well maybe we're both somewhere in between?" I offered.

"Yeah, like a perfect middle ground," she agreed.

"Perfect?" I said sarcastically. "Since when has that word ever described us?"

She laughed with me for a moment before continuing. "Maybe it could."

The air shifted as she leaned closer to me, closing the space I had so desperately wanted to erase as well. She planted her lips on my cheek, just as she had in the past, in another world and another lifetime. Monty didn't want us making the same mistakes anymore, and maybe this was one mistake I  _could_ correct. I turned my head and touched my lips to hers gently, and it felt like the dying fire in front of us had burst back to life with one small touch.

Despite myself, I pulled away to look at her. She mirrored the expression I felt playing on my face--shock, confusion, excitement, happiness, and something else I couldn't quite pinpoint immediately.

"Echo?" she whispered, worry clouding her eyes.

Guilt.

"I think she kind of broke up with me." I turned my attention back to the fire and poked at some of the burnt logs with a stick, willing the flames to grow again.

"Oh," was all she said. We sat in silence for longer than would have been comfortable with anyone else. I wasn't sure how long it took for the respectable distance we kept to morph into Clarke in my arms, my hand pressed to her cheek, her head resting on my shoulder. Too long.

When she spoke again, there was a hint of humor to her words. "So that's what all the yelling was about? I was trying to catch up on some much needed beauty sleep."

"You heard all that?" Embarrassed. And then, "You don't need beauty sleep Clarke. I may need to deprive you of sleep just to maintain some semblance of sanity." The words fell out before I had the time to think about what I was saying.

She answered just as naturally. "Well if you keep up all the shouting you may just get your wish."

"I'll cut back on the shouting," I vowed, pressing my hand to my heart to really drive the message home. She laughed and my thoughts swam. "Although I'm not sure if I can promise you won't have any more sleepless nights. Not if I have anything to say about it." We were still dancing around the subject, despite our all-too-comfortable arrangement by the fire.

I glanced at her after she didn't respond, worried I'd said the wrong thing, but I noted her blush and the way she chewed her lip nervously and I felt my confidence return to me in a rush of adrenaline. As I reached for her face again, she turned and closed the space between us herself. With her lips on mine, and with the symphony of a quiet night in her company crashing against my ear drums, I realized I wasn't acting anymore. After more than a century, everything finally felt normal.


End file.
